In My Mind

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Oh my God! Who knew that being a vampire was so dang complicated? They have a hierarchy that makes my head spin! Rules on top of rules govern everything from maker/child relationships to business practices between different kingdoms (still trying to wrap my head around kingdoms in the United States). As Eric and Godric explained, the system that governs vampires was originally based on the days of feudal law, where a king or queen governed a country but had vassals overseeing specific regions of the kingdom. They explained that it was only in the twentieth century when they stopped using terms such as knights, barons, and ladies to describe the vassals. When vampires were planning The Great Revelation, it was decided to change the names of those that ran areas within the kingdoms to sheriff. Eric said that it was decided humans would have an easier time identifying with a sheriff than with a knight.

You can say that again!

While listening to Godric and Eric speak, I was once again struck by how difficult it must be as a vampire. Physically, you stay the same no matter what time period you are in, so you must learn to adapt and hide who you are in. They both preached that adapting to fit in with the current age was vital to survive. However, I can tell some vampires are better at this than others; Eric seems to easily blend in with this modern day and age, but Godric seems to be struggling. It’s like he has lost his way.

During this conversation about adapting and the vampire political structure, I felt concern coming from Eric, but I knew it wasn’t for me; it was for his maker. Godric’s admission that he was willing to sacrifice himself left Eric shaken, and rightfully so. No child is ever ready to lose a parent, but the loss of Godric would have been much more than that. Godric says he has a reason to stay now, but how long will that last? Will we be constantly looking for signs that Godric is slipping away from us? I know I haven’t known him for very long, but the unflappable vampire has come to mean a great deal to me. Even while human, I felt something for Godric. I admired his strength and serenity; there is something heartbreakingly beautiful about him. He saved me from Gabe. I found his respect and consideration for all forms of life admirable; he didn’t put vampires before all others. But I feel something more for him; kinship maybe? There is an air of grief about Godric that I can identify with. I knew he was hurting and his pain called to me. I wanted to ease his suffering and hopefully come to grips with my own. Those feelings are still there now that I am a vampire, but there’s something more; something intangible that I can’t define.

As my lessons continued throughout the evening, I found myself wishing I’d brought a notebook with me so I could notate the important stuff. My head swam with all the information they threw at me. Someone needs to write A Dummy’s Guide on How to be a Vampire. Forget vampires for a second; Werewolves actually exist?!?! And not just as wolves but there can be whatever species you can think of.

Lions, and tigers, and bears; oh my!

I got the distinct impression from Eric that he despises anything of the two-natured (the non-derogatory term Godric used) variety. I wanted to ask why, but I got the feeling it was a very sore subject with him. Maybe I can broach it with Godric. The only person I’ve ever met like that is Sam, and I hope that we can continue our friendship even now that I no longer have a heartbeat. Sam really was one of the few people to accept me with my quirk and I’d hate to lose that now because he’s automatically prejudiced against vampires.

Thankfully my two instructors took pity on me around three in the morning and stopped with the lessons for the night. As a reward for all my hard work, they began telling me a story involving Nora and her obsession with Theodore Roosevelt. It was during this story that I finally got a glimpse of the vampire Godric had been; he was animated and I could see a roguish quality to him that I often see in Eric. He laughed and joked with us, and I could see the genuine affection that was shared between Eric and Godric.

I wonder if Eric and I will ever get to that stage.

Anyway, Nora was fascinated with Theodore Roosevelt. She had met the man in London shortly before he married his second wife. Nora wasn’t attracted to the man; in fact, he was one of the few humans that she never fed and fucked from. What drew her to him was his intellect and passion for life. They conversed on everything from politics and war to conservation and botany. They continued a friendly correspondence for almost a decade. When she learned that Teddy had joined the Rough Riders, a military division that was sent to fight in Cuba against the Spanish forces that enslaved the island, Nora convinced Godric and Eric to go to Cuba to help protect the man. While in Cuba, Nora would scour the Spanish opposition and report any weaknesses back to Teddy. Of course, the man was heavily glamoured while Nora was having these conversations with him. Teddy never realized that his “avenging angel” as he referred to the woman he thought was a premonition he had while dreaming was actually a vampire.

Godric and Eric recalled with fondness how Nora was especially vicious in slaying the Spanish opposition in Cuba. Nora hated the Spanish, something that carried over from her days as an English noblewoman when England and Spain were often at war. Once the blood of her enemies had been spilled and her need for blood quenched, she satisfied her sexual needs with Godric and Eric, fucking both while surrounded by the blood and corpses of the Spanish. Godric’s eyes sparkled with lust and fondness as he reflected on that time. I could tell that he missed the days of battle and celebrating a victory as only a vampire can. Eric on the other hand, watched me with amusement as I digested everything they told me. Godric concluded the tale by saying how Nora continued helping the twenty-sixth United States President throughout his time in office. Nora mourned Roosevelt’s passing and is the reason the man’s face ended up on Mount Rushmore.

While the story itself was fascinating, I found myself going from one emotional extreme to the next. The part of me that still wants to be human was horrified by the despicable acts they spoke of while the new vampire side of me feels excited. Bloodlust was definitely rising during the tale and Eric made sure I had several bags of donor blood. But the feeling that overwhelmed me was jealousy. I hated hearing about Nora fucking Eric. He’s mine! I can’t explain it, but there is a part of me that wanted to wipe the smirk off his face that let me know he enjoyed the trip down memory lane. I wanted to replace it with a look of lust that was for me. Hearing about Godric with Nora hadn’t angered me like the thought of Eric with Nora. Instead, I got turned on thinking about me with Eric and Godric. I could see it so clearly in my mind; Eric pressed along my back, Godric against my front. I could feel their naked bodies against, their hard muscles pressing into my soft curves. Eric’s hands would be on my breasts, while Godric’s would be between my thighs. I’d never engaged in anything so . . . forbidden as a human, but as a vampire the idea of being with both feels right. It’s like being with them together will solidify our bonds. Something deep inside me wants that vision of me with my two anchors in this new life. I want to feel them both inside me, fangs and cocks buried as deep as they can go. They very idea . . .

Girl, pass me a cigarette! Good God that’s one sandwich we want to be in the middle of. Can we make that happen like yesterday? We’ve never been this horny in our life and we were a virgin for over twenty-five years! But we’re willing to forget about that sexual frustration if you get us between those two sexy men. Ungf!

Down girl! I’m going to turn the hose on myself. It’s a wonder Godric and Eric didn’t mention my arousal earlier tonight. Well, Godric is too gentlemanly to mention it. And Eric . . .

I sigh out loud as I think of my maker. He confuses me so. I’m now a vampire because he wasn’t ready to let me go, but before he never treated me as anything more than as a girl he wanted to fuck. Now that he has complete control of me, I thought he would have enjoyed rubbing it in my face. To be honest, I thought I would be his sex slave. As I’ve been led to understand it, the maker has all the rights in the maker/child relationship and can do whatever he or she wants to their progeny. I thought Eric would take full advantage of that. The fact he hasn’t leaves me unsettled. In two nights’ time, I’ve come to learn that most of my beliefs about Eric Northman were wrong. The vampire I met that first night doesn’t even scratch the surface of who he is. I could spend ten lifetimes getting to know him and I think I still won’t know everything.

As I lie here waiting for the dawn to claim me, I know that I will eventually give in and have a sexual relationship with Eric. Yes, the bond between us is pushing for it, but I continue to ignore that impulse, as difficult as it may be. Eric is trying to teach me control; he says I need to be the master of my urges, not to let my urges control me. I giggle snorted when he said it because all I could think about was the Seinfeld episode when everyone was talking about being the ‘master of their domain’. Of course my laughter made Eric lift his eyebrow at me in annoyance, but he continued on with the lesson. He is trying to teach me how to compartmentalize the myriad of impulses, emotions, and thoughts that ricocheted through me at any given minute. At sunset tonight, he said I will be learning to feed from a human.

The thought terrifies me and exhilarates me.

I am finding it easier to accept being a vampire than I ever thought I would, and I think a large part of that is because of Eric himself. He is treating me not as an object or acquaintance, but as a person he cares for. Eric is open to me while here in a way that I know he will never be when we are back in Louisiana. Whether that is because of Godric’s influence or that he doesn’t have to be the alpha, I don’t know. But I like the Eric I’ve seen these past few nights. He is a beautiful man inside and out. The only reason I’m holding back is because a small voice inside of me questions that all of this is a trap. What if as soon as I give in Eric reverts back to being the ass I was used to dealing with?

Eric and Godric have given me so much to think about! Here I am trying to adjust to the fact I died and am no longer human. That’s a pretty big adjustment in my opinion and is going to take a lot of getting used to. Though it isn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. Maybe it’s because Eric is being so conscientious. And then there is Godric. His presence is extremely calming and he doesn’t make me feel insecure when I ask my questions. It’s not that Eric makes me insecure; he doesn’t. Actually, Eric makes me feel like anything is possible, but I sometimes get this sense of impatience from him, a trace of longing. He keeps a very tight hold on his emotions, but sometimes these wisps of feeling come through. It’s like he’s waiting for something to happen.

He’s waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and accept him for who he is! Don’t you think it hurts him when the both of you are denying yourselves of what you want; what you both need? His side of the bond wants you as much as yours wants him! You know you he wanted you before you were a vampire, and don’t lie to yourself thinking you weren’t attracted to him. What the hell are you waiting for? An engraved invitation? Do you expect Eric to date you before you’ll agree to have sex with him? Why are you being like the high school virgin that wants to wait until prom?

Shut the fuck up! Why do you always side with Eric? Say I sleep with him, then what? He’ll toss me aside like I mean nothing!

Sweetie, in case you haven’t noticed, we are a vampire now. Ideas like monogamy went out the window when that bomb blew everything to smithereens. And say you do sleep with Eric; he will never toss you aside. You are his progeny; that is a bond that will last for eternity if you let it. Look at Eric and Pam; better yet, look at Eric and Godric. The emotions that flow between the two of them are far more meaningful than getting hung up on the idea of monogamy. How can you expect faithfulness when you are turned on by the idea of being with both Godric and Eric? Do you expect Eric to be faithful yet you are not?

Is it really that simple? Am I expected to forget a lifetime of teaching overnight? I want Eric; I want Godric, but I’m not in love with either of them. Does that make me immoral? Am I whore for wanting two men at the same time, or even wanting to have them together? What will others think? What would Gran have thought?

First off, Gran would want us happy; that’s all she ever wanted. Again honey, we are a vampire! Human society’s ideals don’t mean all that much anymore. I kinda get the impression that it is survival of the fittest. It’s a whole new world for us now. We thought humans and vampires were the only things that existed, but we now know that isn’t true. There is a whole supernatural world out there with vampires, two-natured, demons, fairies, and who knows what else! You need to adapt to your new reality or else you won’t survive. What’s worse, you could be Eric’s downfall too.

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12 Responses to In My Mind

  1. Kittyinaz says:

    I love her common sense!!! Just saying *looking nonchalantly at my nails*. Yep….

  2. geez….Sookie’s internal rambling is giving me a migraine. just go with the “sandwich” honey. hehehehehhe 😉 ENJOY!!!! 😀

  3. tleel says:

    I love where you are going with this, weather it be E/S or E/S/G. Just please keep Godric alive.

  4. kleannhouse says:

    love her inner muse, she is like a badass Sookie trying to beat common sense int the hard headed Sookie. I am sure she will have sex with her maker and her grand maker but i am unsure of who will be first, there is probably a twist in there somewhere, looking forward to more. KY

  5. mom2goalies says:

    Sookie needs to listen to her inner voice! It is that part of her that is making sense. And yes, that sandwich sounds delightful!!!

  6. lostinspace33 says:

    What she said!!! 😉

  7. ashmo2000 says:

    Sookie lives a new reality and it’s all very new and different, but she can’t hold herself to living like a human anymore as she won’t be treated that way. Really, was she ever treated that way?

  8. redjane12 says:

    Gosh it is busy and chaotic in Sookie’s head at the moment!!! I kinda feel for her…

  9. valady1 says:

    The inner Sookie seems to have a much better grasp on the new reality than her other self does. It must be getting awfully crowded in her head with all these debates going on. I do like that you have not written a Sookie who rails against being a vampire and strikes out at Eric for saving her.

  10. marilyn859 says:

    O yes ! Please tell me she I’d going to love them both ! But first tell me she will do them both ! O and not anyone else….More please

  11. mindyb781 says:

    I’m amazed she held out this long. Part of me wants her first experience with just Eric.

  12. ericluver says:

    Go with the “sandwich” girl!

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