Therapy Is Not a Dating Service

Nymphomania-1

Monday, March 5, 2015

“Boy get your ass in that room and sit down before I fry your ass like a piece of bacon on the griddle!” Dr. Ludwig may be less than four feet tall and barely weighs seventy pounds sopping wet, but that doesn’t mean she can’t bring a man four times her size to his knees. It interests everyone in the therapy session to see her dragging Jason Stackhouse behind her like he weighs nothing more than a sack of potatoes. Jason, for his part, grumbles angrily and shouts for the “angry fuckin’ troll” to get off of him. Dr. Ludwig shoves Jason down into one of the metal folding chairs then she storms around the meeting room complaining about the idiocy of men in general and their dicks.

“Do you have any idea about the repercussions for what you’ve just done? Do you understand how much trouble you are in?” Dr. Ludwig’s voice is thunderous as she continues to hurl question after question at the mentally challenged Stackhouse.

“Reper what?” Jason looks confused as he sits up straight in his chair, clenching his fists angrily. “I make the damn payments on my truck, so ain’t no way any fucker can take it from me!”

“Not repossession you fool! Repercussions. Consequences of your actions,” Dr. Ludwig smacks her forehead with the palm of her hand, clearly at her wit’s end when it comes to dealing with Jason Stackhouse.

“Well I only done what y’all taught me to do,” Jason replies as he slumps back in his chair, rubbing the back of his head like he’s a dog with an itch.

“What do you mean what we taught you?” Dr. Ludwig’s eyes have narrowed to slits as she stares at Jason Stackhouse, waiting to hear his spin on how this is all the therapy group’s fault.

“Sure. See, I been paying attention real good, and I’m making sure I don’t make the same mistakes as the others,” Jason admits proudly as he sits up straight again in his chair.

With a heavy sigh and a rolling of her eyes, Dr. Ludwig plops down in her chair. A drink appears out of thin air in her hand and she looks resigned. “Alright Mr. Stackhouse, why don’t you tell us what you’ve learned in therapy?” Dr. Ludwig slams back the contents of her drink and another one magically appears.

That’s a handy trick. I could have used that during the Black Plague. It took me decades to get that stench out of my nose, Eric thinks while scrunching up his nose in distaste.

Jason leans forward eagerly and rubs his hands together with glee. “Well see, I learned from the dead meat over there,” he says while gesturing at Eric who only raises an eyebrow at Jason’s crude phrase. “Sorry dude, but I’m horrible with names and faces. If you had a pair of tits, I’d be able to remember you real quick,” Jason offers Eric with a sheepish grin. Jason’s honesty causes the other males in the room to chuckle while Dr. Ludwig rolls her eyes in disgust. She makes her displeasure known in another way since Jason jumps up out of his chair screaming that an alligator bit him.

“Sit down Mr. Stackhouse and get on with your story! We don’t have all night to deal with your stupidity,” Dr. Ludwig commands from her seat though her eyes twinkle with amusement since she knows she’s the one inflicting harm on Jason and he’s too dense to realize it.

Jason, instead of sitting in his previous seat, takes a chair closer to Eric, which also puts him closer to Dr. Ludwig. He sits down warily, as if he expects the metal chair to suddenly have fangs and bite him.

“Right, where was I? Oh yeah,” he says excitedly and smacks his hand against Eric’s arm like they are bros. “I learned from you that I always gotta find out if a girl’s single or if she came with someone else. See one night I was out at Merlotte’s and there were these two hot college chicks at the bar. Neer seen ‘em before. They were from Georgia, making their way over to Texas. So while we were talkin’, I learned they both had boyfriends back in Georgia.”

“So you moved on because you knew the girls were in other romantic relationships?” Dr. Ludwig raises an eyebrow at Jason, unsure of what to expect next from the dimwit’s mouth.

“No,” Jason says looking confused and Dr. Ludwig grunts something out that sounds like ‘fucking knew it’.

Jason continues like he hadn’t heard anything. “I figured since the dudes were back in Georgia, it meant I got a free pass with those girls. They came back to my place and we had a good ole time,” he states with a deep sense of male satisfaction. Jason then leans closer to Eric, lowering his voice thinking no one else will hear him. The fool doesn’t realize everyone in the room has enhanced hearing thanks to their supernatural states. “You ever been with two girls at once? It’s hot as fuck! First, they were all into playing with each other while I watched. Then they decided to tag team me; one was sucking my dick while the other . . .”

“MR. STACKHOUSE!” Dr. Ludwig shouts with exasperation. “This is a group designed to help people fight their sexual urges. It is meant to help people lead fulfilling relationships with those that are special to them and not fuck everything that can walk. This group is meant to help those that want to live a normal life without letting their sexual urges control them.”

“Well shit! Why the fuck am I here then? I thought this was a group to help me get laid more often. It’s worked like a charm too! I’ve been with a different girl at least four times a week. Hell, there was one week where I had a different girl every day!” Jason looks proud of his sexual prowess while Eric cannot help but chuckle at how absolutely clueless Sookie’s brother is. If Sookie had been anything like her brother, Eric wouldn’t have given her any more attention than he gave to one of his nightly meals. Hell, she probably wouldn’t have been a meal; she’d have been a snack, nothing more. Looking at Jason, Eric thinks Ginger might be smarter than the man beside him.

That is certainly not a favorable comparison for the bitten Were. In fact, it’s possibly an insult to Ginger.

“Why must I be surrounded by idiots?” Dr. Ludwig angrily jumps up from her seat, stalking over to Jason. She flicks him repeatedly in the forehead, perhaps trying to knock some sense in him. He tries to fight off her attack, but she’s very agile and easily predicts his moves for defense so she continues to land blows on his body.

All the other members of the group are trying not to laugh with the exception of Eric. No one in the group wants the doctor to turn her wrath on them; they all fear her to an extent. Eric watches the scene with interest. He’s not sure if Jason Stackhouse has enough brain cells to spare to cover the ones he will lose from the doctor hitting the man in the head.

Claude, who sits across the room from Eric, has his cell phone out, recording the confrontation between the patient and the doctor. He winks at Eric when the vampire catches his gaze. Eric only shakes his head in a gesture of suffering in silence. Thank God he is down to only a handful of visits; he can’t handle much more of this lunacy.

“Alright enough!” Jason snarls with fury as he finally escapes the doctor’s grasp; she was like a barnacle that needs to be scraped off the bottom of a boat.

Jason turns around and glares at the doctor, his hands clenching into fists. “I ain’t ever hit a midget before, but I’ll make an exception in your case.”

“Believe me, Mr. Stackhouse, I’ve bested far more fearsome creatures than you,” Dr. Ludwig replies cockily. Before the situation can escalate any further, there is a popping sound in the room. Every supernatural being in the room goes on high alert at the sudden intrusion. Dr. Ludwig had guaranteed everyone they would be safe within the wards placed around the building, but they suddenly doubt that due to the appearance of the unknown fairy.

Oh fuck! This can’t be good if Ludwig called Brigant here, Eric thinks with an internal groan. He stares warily at the leader of the Fae realm, taking in all the changes to the prince. The last time Eric had seen Niall Brigant had been over three hundred years ago, before he had turned Pam. Back then, the prince had looked like a strapping man in his mid-thirties; now, he looks more like a man in his fifties. It is impossible to determine the fairy prince’s true age, but Eric has heard rumors whispered that he may be close to five millennia.

Eric had wandered through the British Isles, minding his own business when he first met Niall Brigant. He had grown weary of life in the congested cities of London and Dublin; he’d wanted something more rural and rustic. Godric had teased him that he was missing the old ways of his life as a human so he had suggested building a longhouse where the farm animals could sleep on one end and he could sleep on the other. Eric had scoffed since Godric still preferred to bathe in rivers and streams and sleep in the ground and not take advantage of the modern amenities available to them.

While in Northern Ireland, Eric had come across a man badly wounded. Eric would have drained the man, putting him out of his misery since his injuries were life threatening if it weren’t for his scent. It reminded Eric of what is now known as the twin flower, a pink bell-like flower that has two blooms atop a single stem. The flower grew in the wild around the village of his youth. Eric would pick the flowers as a gift for his mother, feeling as if he were king of the world when she smiled at him and hugged him tightly. It was this same flower he surrounded her body with before her funeral pyre had been lit. The scent of this flower had caused a rush of feelings to rise up in the lonely vampire and he found that he could not take the life of the man. Instead, he used his blood to heal the wounded man; something Eric had never given to anyone but his maker before.

Niall had been reluctant to take the blood of a vampire, but he knew that he was too injured to heal himself with his magic. He never knew what it was that had stayed the vampire’s fangs, but he owed the vampire a blood debt. Niall had been attacked by a rogue band of Weres sent to kill him while he rendezvoused with his human lover. The Weres succeeded in killing the woman and gravely injuring the prince though he left none of his attackers alive. Once Niall’s injuries began to heal, he’d asked Eric to help him to the Hill of Tara. Eric couldn’t fathom how a grassy hill with a large stone on it would help the prince, but did as the man asked. When Niall touched the Lia Fail, he’d disappeared through a portal.

It was then that Eric knew the man he’d saved had been a fairy. Its better he didn’t know ahead of time; he probably would have snapped the man’s neck. Eric was wary of the Fae. Godric had warned him about the highly delectable yet deadly blood the Fae possessed. The blood of the Fae caused a vampire to become completely intoxicated, and would lose their ability to act rationally. Many vampires had lost their undead existence because the blood of the Fae dulled a vampire’s reactions and they did not seek protection from the rising sun. If Eric had drained the fairy, it may very well have been the end of him.

A year passed before Eric saw Niall again though he did not recognize him. It was only the scent of the twinflower that triggered Eric’s memory. The night of the attack, Niall had been dressed in torn, dirty, blood-soaked clothing. His hair had been tangled and matted, while his face had been battered and bruised. The man who greeted Eric inside the halls of Castle Durrow looked every bit like the royalty he is. That evening began a partnership that spanned centuries.

The man now inside the sex addiction meeting looks around the room with a smirk on his face. Niall’s eyes are the same vivid cornflower blue that Eric remembers, and they sparkle with humor as he addresses the doctor. “This is an interesting assembly of supernaturals, Doctor. I fail to see why my presence is needed since the fairy quota seems to be filled. Or is this a social visit? Perhaps the group members need a demonstration?”

Dr. Ludwig cackles with humor. “I’m not looking for any of what you’ve got to offer. We had a good time back then, but I’ve moved on to someone more suited to me.”

Several faces in the room go green as they realize the implication of the banter between the doctor and the prince. Dr. Ludwig has a sex life?!?!?!?! Nobody wants that image in their mind, but now that the seed has been planted, it is spreading like ivy through Eric’s mind. Specifically, he wants to know the mechanics of how that would work since the prince is just shy of six feet and the doctor is less than four feet. The image Eric’s mind comes up with makes him feel worse than if he had been poisoned with silver.

“Oh, uh, hey Niall,” Jason says with a sheepish wave. “What are ya doin’ here?”

“That’s what I’d like to know,” Niall says in a tone indicating he wants answers quickly. Again in that language Eric doesn’t understand, Dr. Ludwig communicates with the fairy leader. Niall’s lips twitch and his eyebrows rise slightly as he listens to the doctor’s monologue.

“Jason, tell me what you did earlier tonight to make Dr. Ludwig so angry.” Niall’s tone is light; he’s amused by whatever the physician told him.

“Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t feel right tellin’ you what I was doin’,” the younger man says as his skin flushes with embarrassment.

“Why not?” Niall spreads his hands, gesturing to everyone in the room. “You don’t mind sharing with them; in fact, you were bragging. Why can’t you tell me?”

“Well, you’re my great-granddaddy. I sure wouldn’t tell Gran what I was doin’. She’d tell me to pick out a switch!” Jason looks horrified and shudders at the idea of what his grandmother would do to him. Niall chuckles knowing that Adele Stackhouse would have done exactly that if she had still been alive. Unfortunately, Jason’s grandmother had passed away peacefully in her sleep a little more than a year earlier. It’s what had led to Niall taking a more active role in the lives of both Fintan’s grandchildren. Not that he hadn’t been a part of the Stackhouses’ lives before then, but he had deferred to Fintan and Adele’s wishes to keep Sookie and Jason as far out of the supernatural world as possible. The problem was that the supernaturals were attracted to both of them no matter what. Well, in Jason’s case, he attracted women whether they were human or supernatural. Even men were attracted to Jason, though they often ended up being his friends. The only exception to this had been when he’d been attacked by the Werepanthers.

Apparently inbreeding had taken a toll on the mental capabilities of the panthers of Hot Shot.

That incident is partly what landed Jason in the sex addiction group. If Jason hadn’t been messing around with one of the girls from the panther pack, he wouldn’t have been attacked and become a bitten Were. It had been Niall’s hope that Jason would learn restraint and not to fuck every woman who crossed his path.

Clearly, that had not been the case.

Niall looks at Jason expectantly, waiting for him to begin his story. Jason shrugs his shoulders before leaning back in his shirt. “Aight, well, it went down like this . . .”

Flashback

Jason’s sitting in his pickup truck listening to the end of the basketball game before heading up to his Monday night meeting. He still doesn’t fully understand why he has to attend these meetings but he isn’t complaining since he’s gotten a hell of a lot of tail since coming here. It’s not that he’d been hurting for female companionship before, but the things he’s heard while attending his Monday meetings have definitely upped his game. The sex has been hotter and the girls have been better than what he usually found at Merlotte’s.

It’s like Niall and his sister had sent him to a class on how to pick up chicks.

It was fucking awesome!

“YES!!!!!” Jason shouts and pumps his fist before beating it against the steering wheel of his truck. The Dallas Mavericks had hit a buzzer beater to win over the LA Lakers. “Hot damn! Lafayette owes me fifty bucks!”

“Well hey Jason,” a waif-like blonde woman appears next to the driver’s side window and it makes Jason jump in his seat.

“Oh, uh, hey Crystal.” Jason looks around at the nearly deserted parking lot. “Uh, what are you doin’ here?” The last time he’d seen Crystal had been when Niall and Sookie had rescued him from the shack out in Hot Shot where he’d been kept locked up. Every full moon when he’d run with Calvin’s pack, Crystal hadn’t been allowed anywhere near him. Jason had been told that the reason he was targeted was because he’d taken Crystal out a few times and she was supposed to have been promised to another member within the pack.

“I missed you, Jason. Don’t you miss me? We used to have a lot of fun together.” As Crystal is talking, she’s undoing the buttons of her shirt, letting the fabric hang open so that Jason can see what she is wearing underneath; nothing at all. Jason licks his lips and gazes stupidly at Crystal’s hands running up and down the length of her open shirt. Jason may be a man nearly thirty years in age, but he’s no better than a hormonal teenage boy when it comes to breasts. The moment someone mentions boobs or shows boobs, Jason becomes a boob. He has a one track mind. Crystal knows this and smirks when she notices Jason’s eyes following the path of her hands. She pushes her shirt further apart, letting Jason get a peek at her nipples. He whimpers and grips the steering wheel tightly.

Crystal grins widely and pulls the handle of his truck door so that it opens. She reaches inside and palms Jason’s cock through his jeans. Jason’s head falls back against the headrest and his mouth drops open as he groans while his cock hardens underneath Crystal’s hand.

“Come on, baby,” Crystal whispers as she squeezes him through his jeans. “Why don’t we go somewhere and I’ll show you how much I missed you?”

Jason’s head lolls to the side and he looks at her helplessly. The sound of a car engine rumbles in the distance, pulling Jason out of his boob haze. He looks around as if coming back to himself and Crystal looks panicked thinking he’s going to run away from her. She needs Jason to fuck her; she’s been with all the available men in her pack and none of them have gotten her pregnant. She needs to infuse the pack with some new blood. Never mind that Jason isn’t a born Werepanther; Crystal figures as long as he’s got some type of supernatural blood in him that it’s good enough for her.

With cat-like reflexes, Jason slips out of his truck, locking it behind him, and grabs Crystal, pulling her towards the building. “Come on,” he says impatiently. “We can’t stay here; we gotta go somewhere others can’t find us!”

End Flashback

“And how did you think that going someplace people wouldn’t find you is something you learned from this group?!?!?!” Dr. Ludwig is positively livid hearing Jason recount his tale for Niall and looks ready to strike the supernatural mutt again, but Niall stays her hand with a look. She sits down in her chair again, crossing her arms over her chest, muttering under her breath about the stupidity of men in general and Jason Stackhouse in particular.

“Well I learned from him,” Jason says while pointing at Eric, “that when you’re in public, people catch ya.” Jason looks at Dr. Ludwig like it’s the most obvious conclusion in the world.

“So you left the darkened parking lot and the relative privacy of your truck for a stairwell? How is a stairwell more private than your car?!?!?!”

“Well the building has an elevator. Why the hell would anyone take the stairs when there’s an elevator?” The entire room erupts into laughter, with the exception of Dr. Ludwig, who throws her hands up and shouts in aggravation. Jason looks around confused, unsure why everyone is laughing. He scratches his head and looks around waiting for someone to explain the joke to him.

Niall wipes his eyes with his thumb, clearly amused by everything he heard. The fairy prince looks towards Dr. Ludwig, knowing the supernatural doctor is very near to exploding. “Alright, my dear; I see your point.” Niall turns and addresses Jason. “You don’t have to come to the meetings anymore, Jason. It seems you’ve learned more than I bargained for by coming here.”

“Oh.” Jason’s face falls when he hears Niall tell him that he doesn’t have to come to the Monday meetings anymore. “But I –“

“GET. OUT. NOW.” Dr. Ludwig points at the door, her finger glowing with a red, hot light. Jason, having had enough abuse from the doctor for one evening, hightailed it out of the room like his ass is on fire. Those left in the room chuckle at how quickly Jason left.

Niall, still chuckling, rises from his seat and bows gallantly at Dr. Ludwig. “You’re a damn fool, Niall, if you’re thinking of marrying him off,” Dr. Ludwig retorts scathingly as Niall rises back to his full height.

“Well I need one member of the family to produce offspring, and something tells me that Sookie won’t be a mother anytime soon.” Niall’s gaze falls unerringly on Eric and the vampire tenses waiting for whatever else the fairy prince has to say.

“It seems you and I have some business to discuss, Viking. I’ll be waiting for you in your office.” With that, Niall pops out of the room, leaving the others staring at Eric in sympathy.

Knulla mig! As if I don’t have enough to worry about, Eric thinks as he remains immobile in his seat, not displaying an ounce of emotion.

“Cheer up, Northman. If he wanted you dead, you’d be a pile of goo by now,” Dr. Ludwig announces with her humor restored.

“Thanks,” Eric replies drolly taking no comfort in the doctor’s pronouncement. What comfort is there when Brigant can appear anywhere he wishes? Eric would never feel the stake sliding into his heart if that is what the leader of the Fae wants.

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17 Responses to Therapy Is Not a Dating Service

  1. lostinspace33 says:

    OMG, Jason’s as dumb as a bag of hammers!

  2. kassey4221 says:

    Omgoodness, Jason Jason Jason…. Too damn goodlooking for his own good. Got to love him 🙂

  3. mom2goalies says:

    Poor Jason, thinking he’s going to miss out on mire sex tips! LMAO
    Looking forward to the meeting with Eric and Naill

  4. saldred75 says:

    oh how I love Jason, lol

  5. duckbutt60 says:

    Just adore how you write Jason –I can hear the rattle in Jason’s head and her the voice of Ryan —oh my, this one had me in stitches……

  6. valady1 says:

    I remember after the end of season 2 of TB and Jason was left in charge of all those ignorant and very hungry were-panthers.. My reaction was, Jason couldn’t find his way in out of the rain without a GPS, how in the world would he be able to take care of those people? And you just wrote him even dumber than I imagined. But also so funny I can’t help laughing.

  7. shoegirl01 says:

    Only Jason would treat a sex-addiction class as a how-to for picking up girls! Too funny!

  8. msbuffy says:

    OMG! I love Jason! He was the funniest character on that show, and the most consistent! Hilarious chapter, I loved it!

  9. lzdiva4 says:

    You’ve just gotta love Jason. Ignorant as a rock, but he doesn’t mean any harm.;)

  10. askarsgirl says:

    Omg Jason is such a hoot!! That was hilarious!

  11. mindyb781 says:

    Jason is a lost cause, too funny. Poor Eric Naill wants to meet. But I think it will be okay since he owes Eric a favor and knows of his honor.

  12. jjbuffy2 says:

    Jason Jason Jason….. *tsk* ❤

  13. anem72 says:

    Ok, you take the award of writing the dumbest Jason EVER lol. I love it, soooo funny. Can’t wait for the next chapter, so glad I got round to starting it today as it was definitely a day I needed a good laugh and you and Victory In Trouble definitely provided that!

    I guess things are about to get interesting with Niall!

  14. ashmo2000 says:

    It’s like Jason doesn’t even know what the real reason why he goes to the meetings for. Eric thinks he’s in trouble for talking to Sookie, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

  15. kleannhouse says:

    love this one, Jason is such a twit, but you gotta love him… he is sooooo clueless. KY

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