It’s been a while….

I owe you all a huge apology.

I have no excuse except to say life got in the way.

I initially started writing fanfiction as a hobby, a way to pass the time while my husband was away for work.  I didn’t have children, though I had two very energetic dogs, and a big lonely house all to myself.  My family live out of state and my friends…well, let’s just say I didn’t have friends of my own.  I had “couples” friends.

I was miserable and didn’t know it.

It was my brother-in-law that suggested I read the Sookie Stackhouse novels and watch True Blood.  He had a thing for Anna Paquin.  I remember reading the first eight novels within a few days and binged the first four seasons of the show to get ready for Season 5.  I honestly can’t say what appealed to me . . . well, I can.  Let’s face it, if you read this blog, you love ASkars.  But it was something beyond the pretty face and hot body.  I had this sense of wrongness when I read the books and watched the show.  I’ve never felt so strongly about another series as I did this one.

Does that make sense?

I guess it does since there are thousands of works of fanfiction out there trying to “fix” what we all see wrong in the books and TV show.

I wrote my first story, Resolutions, just to see if I could do it.  It was OK, nothing to set the world on fire.

And then I started A Different Life . . .

I never expected the reaction it got.  Many of you adored it; some of you flamed it. I read it now and cringe because I know I could have done better. That story was my true introduction into the world of fanfiction.  I have met some wonderful people because of my “vampire smut” (husband’s words, not mine).  I wouldn’t trade those friendships for anything.  There are dozens more of you that I will never meet, but I feel a sense of connection with because we shared the same purpose, the same interests.  I’m grateful for all of you too.

The more I wrote, the more I involved myself in fanfiction, the more miserable I was in real life.

Fanfiction was an escape.  I could write my happy ending.  I could murder someone when I was having a truly awful day.  It was a way of me coping with my utter loneliness and the dissolution of my marriage.  How else could I have churned out 8 chapters a week to keep multiple stories going at a time?

It’s humbling to know I was a cliché.

Let’s face it,  we all think we can change a man.  He won’t make the same mistakes with us that he made in a previous relationship.  I was young and stupid.  Of course he did the same thing to me that he did to his first wife.  I fully expect him to do the same thing to his third wife as he did to me.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The end of my marriage was a blessing and a curse.

It was a blessing because I found who I am again.  I’m me now, not a Mrs. or “Scott’s wife”.  I’m Jessica.  It’s good to be me again.  I realized I can stand on my own, and don’t have to rely on someone else for financial support.  He made me think that I wouldn’t survive alone, and he even took enjoyment thinking I would financially crumble.  Joke’s on him since I have doubled my salary since our divorce, been promoted to a member of senior management, and enjoy a sense of financial freedom I never had with him.

I’m also blessed in that I’ve met a wonderful man who fits me in a way my ex-husband never did.  He’s a compliment to me, a true partner.  He also gave me the chance to be a mom since I can’t have kids.  I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for that.  Instead of putting down my writing, my man is in awe of the fact that I can create so much. Maybe one day I’ll let him read my stories….or maybe not.  I think I like keeping this side away from him.  It’s something that’s truly mine and no one else can lay claim to it.  Well, except for my awesome beta Kleannhouse.  She can lay claim to some of it.  She still betas for me now even though I haven’t written anything in years.  I have about 20 emails to go through and fix things in stories that are already published.

As for the curse of my divorce….I lost my Indy.  My beautiful, energetic, sweet, stupid yellow lab.  I still cry when I think of him.  I’m crying now.  He is the only thing I regret losing in my divorce.  The material possessions I sold to start my life over.  The house I walked away from so I wouldn’t be financially ruined.  But losing that dog….it breaks my heart still.

I also lost my motivation to write.  Maybe it’s because I’m so busy living life now that I just don’t have time to write, or maybe it’s because I’m happy with my life that I don’t have the desire to immerse myself in someone else’s life.  I don’t know.  I just know that I have ideas on how the stories should end, but can’t seem to put the pen to paper to make the ideas come out.

So forgive me.  I once promised that I wouldn’t leave my stories unfinished, but that seems to be a promise I can no longer keep.  I could put out some inferior bullshit just to say I’ve finished them, but I don’t want to do it.  That’s not fair to me and certainly not fair to you.  Maybe one day I’ll sit down and write again.  Who knows?  But the drive and fire aren’t there like they used to be.  I would be writing from the time the sun came up, scribbling bits and pieces at work, and then back at it again once I was home.  Now, the idea of writing is exhausting with everything else going on in my life.

To all of you wonderful people, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You will never know how much I appreciate all of you for helping me find myself again.  You made me realize that I could brighten someone else’s day with a few written words, and your reviews and friendship kept me going when I was miserable.

I cannot thank you enough for all you did, but it’s time I say good-bye.  I’ll leave the site up but I don’t think I will post again.

Love,

Jess

About mistressjessica1028

What can I say? My little shipper heart hated how SVM and TB treated Eric, so I have made it my mission to create worlds where the Viking always gets the girl. :-)
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21 Responses to It’s been a while….

  1. ericluver says:

    I’m glad that you’re life and happiness have improved, sad that you won’t be writing any more wonderful stories any time soon but glad again for what we got! Thank you.

  2. callan says:

    going to miss your stories they are so good and help us diehard tb/book fans continue to enjoy the characters so i hope (selfishly) you one day return to writing svm. if not, thanks for the stories and im grateful you will keep the site up so we can re read them anytime, that is nice. glad you have found some happiness. take care

  3. mom2goalies says:

    Very happy that your life has turned around and you found yourself and happiness.
    I am glad we had a chance to read you work but sad there will probably be no more written.
    Thank you for sharing the stories you did and enjoy your new happy life!

  4. Perfecta999 says:

    I am very sad, we lose another author from our fandom. You’re a great writer, your Eric will always be my favorite, but
    I’m proud of you and wish you a wonderful life. Live, love or be happy. I will miss you.
    Perfecta999 greetings (Anna)

  5. duckbutt60 says:

    So glad you’re life has turned around and that RL is giving you the thrills that fanfic writing used to give you. So, I can’t fault you for choosing the RL that has made you so happy and fulfilled 🙂 Of course I’ll miss your wonderful stories, as will the other faithful followers you’ve created over the years. One request though; can you pdf your completed stories and offer them? And….I know it could take a bit of time, but for your incomplete stories, can you provide an outline of how you saw those ending? I know that might be asking a bit much, but it would so be the icing on the Jessica cake! Again…thanks for sharing your writing talent with us –you are much loved and appreciated!
    Pat

  6. gaijinvamp says:

    I’m so glad that your life is happy now even if it means that you won’t be writing any longer. Yes, do please keep the site up so we can read and re-read your fics. Thank you for your work.
    Irene

  7. ljhjelm says:

    I am so happy for you. Your life will be what you need. Good luck and God Bless.

  8. Although I will miss your stories (your way of writing and creating stories and characters is truly there with our beloved Angela aka Ericizmine) BUT…….your life and happiness are much more important!! I’m happy you found your other half and hope that the rest of your journey through life continues to have happiness and joy!! ps. if you happen to get an urge though, I WILL be here!!

  9. mazzablue says:

    Echoing the words already said – its another sad day for this fandom but – you only get one life – Live Laugh Love – and it sounds like you are doing all three! Grab it whilst you can and enjoy every second, I agree with Duckbutt60 PDF’s of your stories would be fantastic but not the end of the world. Wishing you every happiness xx

  10. maggie says:

    I think you’re simply moving on. And it’s obvious you haven’t lost your desire to write: the well-crafted piece you just posted is proof of that. So, maybe it’s time to write something else. You still have a voice. Be well. Just don’t be silent.

  11. mindyb781 says:

    I am very happy for you. I’m glad you were able to dissolve your marriage and have found happiness in work and love again. I will really miss your writing. You have such a incredible talent.

  12. gwynwyvar says:

    On one hand, I’m sorry your life was crumbling so badly, but I’m glad that you had fanfic, and us to get you through.

    On the other hand I am thrilled for you to have come to such a happy place! You are wonderful. You deserve it!

    Have fun in your life, and congrats on finding you again. Thankyou for sharing everything thing that you have. They are wonderful gifts.

    With many hugs and wishes for your happiness to continue,

    Gwyn

  13. askarsgirl says:

    I’m happy that you are doing well! I will miss your stories dearly but I have been rereading them now and again so I’m grateful you aren’t taking your site down. I just reread A Different Life and it was just as awesome as the first time I read it. Thank you for gifting us with your wonderful imagination throughout the years. It was a pleasure reading each and every thing you wrote.
    Take care of yourself and I’ll hold out hope that this won’t be the last time we hear from you☺️

  14. So Sorry to see another great writer leaving this fandom….😥
    But so happy that your personal life is giving you the happiness you deserve 🤗❤️
    Thanks for sharing all your wonderful stories with us 💋
    Take care
    Jackie69

  15. nortega1921 says:

    *hugs* I love your stories, but I’m happy you found you again. I know and understand how hard that is, but also how great it feels to know who you are again. If that means incomplete stories, that’s ok. what’s important is that you’re happy again. ~From one divorcee to another

  16. jules3677 says:

    So happy to read that you have found everything that you wanted, and other things that you may not have thought about that also give you pleasure. Life is full of a myriad of cycles, for a brief time your life touched mine and your creativity inspired us and gave us such delights to read. You continue to follow your road and maybe someday, sometime our roads may intersect again. Live long and prosper (I know, I know 🙂 ).

  17. luvvamps says:

    So happy for you! Just remember if the mood should strike, we will be here!

  18. valady1 says:

    I have such mixed feelings after reading this. Very glad for the happiness you have found, you sound as if you are filled with joy. You have provided so much pleasure for those of us who have read your stories, I know I will miss that. I just re-read “Endings and Beginnings” and thought that was a perfect story for your news. I hope you decide to keep your blog up so we can continue to enjoy the amazing things you wrote. And perhaps sometime in the future Eric will (metaphorically of course) give you a nudge in the night and awaken your muse.You know your fans will be always be here…

  19. kleannhouse says:

    i know one day you will pick it up again, i have faith…. love you and hugs KY

  20. lilloucfer says:

    Very happy your life is where you want it to be. So sad to see another of my favorite authors leaving, but best of luck in your new adventures in life 😊

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