…but I swear that everything I am about to write is the truth, the whole truth, so help me God. Lets start at the beginning shall we.
I stumbled across this fandom because I was lonely. My husband traveled often for his job; even when he was home, he worked out of the house so he never really quit working. Phone calls and emails are never ending thanks to smartphones. So to occupy myself while he worked, I started reading fanfiction. I think I read every Eric/Sookie story there was on fanfiction.net. It was while I was off between Christmas and New Year’s in 2013 that I got the courage to write my story, Resolutions. It did ok, so I was encouraged to keep writing. A Different Life was my next story, and it took off like a rocket! I was so excited that so many people were interested in my little story. I had originally envisioned the story being no more than twenty chapters; instead the readers convinced me to keep it going for 54 chapters and even write a sequel. The sequel was a big mistake; I have no motivation to write it and that is why I pulled it off this site.
Let me tell you, I have met many wonderful people because of this fandom, and the reviews, likes, and stats are like a drug. It fed my need for affection and attention when my husband wasn’t giving it to me. I felt more and more isolated from the world as he traveled almost constantly. I was tied to the house because we had two beautiful Labrador Retrievers that needed to be cared for plus all the chores that needed to be done. So while I was house-bound, I wrote… and wrote… and wrote. Somewhere along the way, my writing, beta work, and other stuff in the fandom began taking up all my free time. It was easy to have happen since my husband was also leading his own life that centered around his job, sports, and horror conventions.
Two people who at one point had so much in common became virtual strangers; really we were roommates. This past winter was especially hard on me because my beloved yellow Lab, Indiana, was very sick and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. What made it worse was that I was going through it alone because my husband was traveling all over the southeastern part of the United States. In March, I reached my breaking point and that is when we first talked about divorcing.
It hit me like a freight train because I still cared deeply for my husband. I just thought we were in a rut and needed to reconnect; I thought it was because of all the stress of his job and that I’d been battling migraines for months. When we talked about it, I learned that he hadn’t been happy for years.
For months, I tried to save my marriage. I tried to engage him in activities that I knew he liked, but I met indifference. I suggested things to bring us together, things we used to love doing together, but he always made excuses. Yet he always had time for his friends and brother, even shutting me out of things he knew I liked doing and would have done with all of them. I even cut back on all my writing because I wanted to devote my time and energy to him, but he told me that he didn’t want me to stop doing something that made me happy. However, he said in the same breath that he resented it.
Anyone else see the Catch-22 in this situation?
I reached a point where I started keeping track of how often he said ‘I love you’ or was affectionate towards me. I think an ice cube has more warmth than what I got in those months.
When all was said and done, my husband and I separated May 31. It was hard; I moped around for a week and cried at the drop of a hat. But I have wonderful family and friends, and they helped me get through it and realize something.
I hadn’t been happy in years. I’d cut off my friends and family because I’d sank into depression. I’d gone from a size 18 to a size 22. I’d stopped being me somewhere along the way, and became someone who catered to all of my husband’s demands. My husband was not an ogre, but it had to be his way or he wasn’t happy. More often than not, I’d just go with the flow because I’m pretty laid back, but when I started to assert myself and find me again, he didn’t like it. Our “amicable” divorce has been more about him throwing curveballs my way and me having to find ways of dealing with it. Writing Picking Up the Pieces has been cathartic; some of what happens in the story is based on my experience.
Its been a whirlwind the last two months. In that time, I’ve had to come to grips with ending an eleven year relationship, giving up my home and family, the financial burden of starting over, dating, living on my own, and I’ve had to say good-bye to my beautiful Indiana. I got to keep my black lab and he kept the yellow lab; I do NOT want to talk about that so please don’t mention it to me.
Despite the major changes in my life, I don’t regret my marriage. We had some great times, did things together that I probably never would have had the opportunity to do. Unfortunately, life just got in the way for us. It sucks, but it does happen. I wish him well despite the difficulties of the last few months.
As I sit here, I can tell you that I am actually happy. I have good days and bad like everyone, but I am excited for the future. I’ve moved into a lovely apartment with Chase, my black lab, and it’s really the perfect place for us. I’ve reconnected with my friends and I’m doing things for me that I wouldn’t have done before. I’ve lost over 60 pounds, going down to a size 14/16. And I’ve met a guy that makes me happy (and could possibly give Eric’s G.P. a run or its money!)
So what does all of this mean for you, my lovely readers?
I will be getting back to writing. Nymphomania, Deception, and Picking Up the Pieces are going to be on my radar. The others will come to me as time permits. I’m not going to promise regular posts but I will try to get you something next Sunday.
Thank you all for your patience. I appreciate all of you so much!